The Dream Team (Shameless Objectification Pt. 1)

Consider this situation:

Aliens from the same planet Calvin Booth came from have arrived on Earth with the intent to kill, rape, and eat people's motherfucking costumes. The United Nations wants to mobilize the world's strongest militaries, the PETA wants to build a big-ass ship to house every animal on the planet (as long as they're cute of course), and Zordon wants to assemble a team of teenagers with attitude. However, the Carriers of the Rod have a different plan in mind. Aliens have sex drives too, and we know exactly what to do in order to prevent our kind from going the way of MiniDisc players. We would assemble dream teams of some of the hottest 's the Earth has to offer. I begin today with my (superior) team: 5 starters and 5 subs. Check it.

1. Jessica Alba

Obvious? Yes.

Totally expected? Indeed.

Completely necessary? Absolutely.

Ms. Alba is by far the most common weapon of choice for the female objectification arsenals of men all over the world. This list is no different. While other overhyped starlets (Angelina Jolie, Megan Fox, Jessica Biel) lose their luster after a while, Jessica manages to retain every microvolume of it. She's still sexy even today...no matter how married/pregnant/hyped she is. She's so hot that she can save the most banal and abhorrent of films from complete financial disaster without even having to really act (not that she really can in the first place).

2. Tina Yuzuki

Now here's where it gets fun. Sid and I established the rule that we are each allowed to place one *ahem* adult multimedia specialist on our respective teams. Ms. Yuzuki is my selection. Born to a Japanese father and Portuguese mother, this mega cutie really doesn't look like she should be doing porn. Actually, she doesn't look like she should even be in clubs on Friday nights. Nonetheless, we're fortunate to have her and I for one am not complaining at all. I am also convinced that if you are a straight male and managed to watched that video without falling in love/lust with her for those 5 minutes, then you may need to get your gonadotropin levels checked out. Just sayin'.

Embedded video has no sound. Here's the Youtube link for your listening pleasure.

3. Allison Stokke

If you thought Tina Yuzuki was obscure, then I can only imagine what you are thinking about now. Yeah this ain't your standard-issue objectification list, brosephius. For all those who had no idea this girl even existed, I hope I have bestowed some enlightenment upon you poor souls. Ms. Stokke turned into an overnight internet sensation when the first photos of her pole vaulting at a track meet were posted on some random, insignificant blog not called The Rod of Ebullience. She now attends the University of California where she continues to skillfully handle long poles while wearing athletically-fit clothing. An otherworldly body like that AND a pretty face to match? She's guaranteed a spot on my starting five without ever having to do a movie or sing a song.

4. Liu Yifei

Here's another girl the majority of Americans are in the dark about. But no worries...the Rod shall light the way once more. Ms. Liu here is quite the famous actress back in my ancestral homeland (and for good reason). Unfortunately, her only appearance in a Hollywood production thus far was her role in that movie with Jet Li, Jackie Chan, and some random white kid. The name escapes me right now, but I think it was called Another Hollywood Fantasy Butchering Other Cultures by Making the Most Idiotic Reasons for White Dudes to be Main Characters. Actually, I heard that it was a prequel to The Last Samurai. Anyway, back to the woman. Liu Yifei has that "cute but hot/innocent but not" look most guys go crazy about, making her the best actual girlfriend material out of everyone on this list. So basically if in a few years I become a filthy rich bachelor, decide to move to China, and find out that this chick is still single, then it's on.



5. Meagan Good

Rounding out my starting five (literally) is Meagan Good. Deciding who gets to have the last spot is always a difficult decision for a coach, but one look at her will show that she is indeed worthy.

Pretty face? A strong check.

Hot body? Very much a check.

That extra, "something" that puts her over the edge and onto this list? Check, check, check.

Yeah there's something extra hot about this girl and I can't really put my finger on it. Maybe it's her seductive gaze? Her attitude? I dunno. Whatever it is, I hope she keeps doing it. Oh yeah, here's a fun fact: she was on Cousin Skeeter (cue immature giggling) when she was younger. I just looked up some videos on Youtube and she was still hot back then. The only downside to Ms. Good that I can think of is the fact that she dated a cartoon character who plays for some wack-ass football team not named the Philadelphia Eagles. However, I excuse such unthinkable behavior because she is the hottest Meagan/Megan in Hollywood today.





Yeah I said it.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my Dream Team. I think they're ready to take on whatever team Sid can field. Also, here are the ladies who are still hot enough to make my team, but will be coming off the bench during games. They provide their own special talents. Some are quick off the dribble, while others are great spot-up shooters.


1. Grace Park
2. Maria Ozawa (Tina Yuzuki's back-up for good reason)
3. Minka Kelly
4. Cassie Ventura (pre-whatever this was all about)
5. Rachel Specter